Heaven Through the Windscreen

This was written by my dad in 2007, twenty-six years after his accident, half a lifetime ago.

After my own daughter was born this year and approaching the third birthday of my son, I think more and more about what it means to be a father. The second half of this poem captures exactly the character of my own father towards his children. And it reflects the kind of parent I aspire to be, too.

I never read this poem while my dad was still here. I didn't need to. These aren't just words on a page - they are a true reflection of the man. 

He is still missed every day.

---

Heaven Through the Windscreen

There it was
The road ahead
Not any old road leading north or north by south coast
But the very, very ancient road
Of life
Leading upwards up-up-upwards

Young and ambitious
I spun my compass like a roulette wheel
I could go anywhere, do anything, play any game
A hundred helicopter blades couldn't propel me into the waiting world with half the force of my intent

I studied the old fools, how they made their money and secreted their garish lovers in those nightly shadows brighter than the home-made flame
How easy to surpass them all
And without falling into their trap of wrinkled regrets
That crawled out like slippery creatures from the cesspool of conscience
From the pints of ale and over their slippery tongues
Like boasting but so like confession
And I listened.

How wise I was at 25
Ready to wrestle the world, its inmates and outlaws
Its barons and harlots, its bosom and wonders
Until I had engraved my name in its very crust

But in the time it takes to spill a cup of coffee
I spilt the hot fluid from my eyes
The laminated glass that was wont to protect me from the storm
Turned on me
The screen that was an ever changing vista on my universe
Suddenly turned savage
For, from the smooth, gentle face that I had stroked a thousand times
And wiped away the beads of sweat and dusty clouds
Emerged a thousand teeth like gritty razors

The monster closed its mouth around my head
And bit into my eyes
Chewed them till gratified
And sucked my sight into its depths

Blindness.
But weep not for me for blood dries quickly
And the universe that once existed outside my body
Just moved indoors
And the God who was so well hidden by the innumerable stars
Became quite visible at close quarters
He must have slipped in while I wasn't looking

Instead of aiming all my cannons towards becoming the fool I was hoping to avoid
I turned the fuse into a candle
Even a little light within
Will reveal infinitely more than a myriad of outer lights
For the inner light lights up the inner man

Instead of building up with perishable bricks
I reinforced my emaciated soul
For inner steel constructs strong bridges between peoples

Instead of dealing in hard cash
I bought a pillow for my heart, in softness to repose
For heavy wealth must have a hardened heart on which to balance
But fardles and burdens slip easily from a softened heart

Instead of wasting a miserable lifetime guiding a family in the misuses of the world
My children guided me
What greater lesson is there in life than this?
To lead your protector as a child
Becoming the guardian of your protector

What greater intimacy can there be?
The child learning to guide the father
Always close, always holding hands
Sharing trust, exchanging responsibility, seeing as one
Loving
A living love, hand in hand, heart to heart
Warm, cosy and communicating
Unafraid and fully expressive
Not one through the friendly bank account that dispenses cold games and toys every now and then

There is a bond that needs no eyes to join together
And that bond is called God
For how else can I say
It has been a privilege to grow up with my children
I wouldn't have missed it for a world of eyes
And all because I lost a bit of sight

And when I lost that little bit of sight
I gained a little bit of sight

Thank God